Resilient

      I've been thinking a lot about my kids, their choices, the consequences they get...well, that we all get, from the choices we make in life.  Some good, some bad, and some indifferent.  When I was little, when I would get told "no" I couldn't do something, or when I was let down by one thing or another it would be upsetting but I'd "bounce back" and soon I would be trying again or have my sights set on something different. This RESILIENCE thing seems to be a past-tense verb today.  I see more children falling down and not wanting to get back up, getting let down and staying down - not coming back up fighting.  In my own home this has been the case lately.  If something is too hard or something doesn't come easily, they do not want to take a break and try again they just plain don't want to try ANYMORE!  If I say "NO we aren't staying up tonight," or "Nope, no dessert today." I don't get an "OK", I get a crying whining fest, a complete and utter melt down or a major ARGUMENT from a certain someone.  This is life, things don't always go your way and if you can't take "NO" for an answer or you think you're always going to get what you want...... it's gonna be ROUGH!

      This has really perplexed me the last few weeks.  I want my kids to be resilient! I want them to accept "no" for an answer and be alright with it.  "NO" will happen, troubles will come, rocky roads are on the horizon and storms in the forecast (Yes I am a realist!).  But we can get over the rocks, we can buy an umbrella, we can be OK if "NO" is the answer. So how do we teach this, how do you instill this in your children?  I read a great article in our CHURCH's Magazine this past month. It's message was awesome~

     You can find the article HERE.  It talks about giving our children the right attitude to be resilient.  That "perfectionism undermines resilience", boy did that hit me like a ton of bricks!  Perfectionism is my weakness.  I am not perfect but I'll be danged if I don't try to be.  I think this could be hindering my need for resilient children around here, they all think it has to be perfect because I think it has to be.  Home is where you should feel most comfortable, you should be allowed to make mistakes and practice being resilient, practice bouncing back, because the world isn't as forgiving as the Home! It also says,
     "This misunderstanding may also stem from what society teaches our youth: that their worth       depends on talent and performance. In schools and communities, sometimes even at church or at                        home, youth see their peers get acceptance, admiration, approval, and praise for being talented at something. So they try to measure up. As they do so, they start to fear failure and mistakes. They choose what to do based on how successful they think they will be. They procrastinate when they do not feel confident. They worry about what others will think if they make mistakes. They fear loss of approval. They view their performance as the measure of their worth. Their perfectionism becomes a mean taskmaster, and it wears down their resilience." 

      WOW!  I agree wholeheartedly that perfectionism and thinking our worth is measured by performance wears us down.  I feel this way, I feel the comparison and the worry that my children have about how well they think they can or cannot do something.  I just want them to try it, if they don't like it that's okay, if they don't do well at it, that's okay too.  Trying things and being able to accept "no" or being able to laugh at our selves and move on is vital in becoming resilient.  The article goes on to explain that we are given second chances and that we need to teach them with love and respect just as we are given love and respect, and to help them develop an understanding of a deeper love that goes beyond their successes and their failures.  We need to let kids have rules and to determine their own consequences... this one is hard for me.  I see so often that one of my kids could just use an extra few minutes when doing something I asked, so I raise my voice and complain louder that they aren't doing what I need them to do, instead of just making the request and if they choose to not do it they choose the consequence as well. I need to get better at that!  The article gives 5 steps to help teach this resilience 1. Paying the price for privileges, 2.  The law of the harvest (meaning nothing comes for free and we must teach them to work), 3. Personal accountability and responsibility, 4. The law of restitution, and 5. Learning from Mistakes.  Some of these are so hard, to watch your child make ill choices over and over hurts, but if we always protect them from the hurt how will they know the joy?  How can they pick themselves back up and learn from mistakes if we are preventing the mistakes in the first place?  I loved this article and it was just what I needed to help me remember that I want to raise my children with a resilient spirit, with a "don't give up" attitude.

      There is a great parenting book that my mom purchased for me at the home-school convention I attended in June of last year. It's by a homeschooling mother and a former foster parent, Nicholeen Peck, it is called A House United, changing children's hearts and behaviors by Teaching Self-Government, I haven't read it cover to cover (cause let's face it factual books I just don't do that with, I skim and skip and re-read and go over and highlight) but the majority of the book I have read and she has amazing concepts in teaching how to accept no answers and how to have our children be governing their selves and accepting their consequences.  The book is amazing so check it out! (I don't get anything out of it I just liked her concepts and I am trying to apply them in our home)

      Any way, Resilience is something I am going to add to my New year's resolution word of STRENGTHEN I want to STRENGTHEN my children's resilience! I want to teach them that they are better than giving up, that they can stand tall and hold their head's high because they are AMAZING, they are FIGHTERS, they are LOVED, they are SPECIAL and they can do anything they set their mind's to.  Might be a rocky road, might be a thunder storm or two along the way but you learn to dance in the rain and you learn to buy a jeep or to climb a mountain!    

How do you teach resilience?  Do you think we are lacking this skill in our world today, in our children?