Reflecting....I think I do that a lot :)! I was thinking about who I use to be and who I am now. Thinking about the road that lead me to THIS place I am, THIS person I am....WOW what a journey! You think you know who you are and then you turn around and you are someone very different. When I was little I was cautious, shy, very observant of others. When I turned 8 years old my family took me to a Mexican Restaurant and the staff had me put on a huge sombrero and they proceeded to sing "happy birthday" to me....well if you don't already know, now you do please don't sing happy birthday to me!!! Especially not in public places. I melted, sank low in my chair then under the table and sobbed. Yeah not a lime light kind of gal. That definitely hasn't changed. Although in high school I wasn't really popular, not unpopular but just kinda did my own thing, I was quiet and liked things just so.
I use to be an immaculate room keeper (because that's all that I had to claim as mine I suppose) every 30 days I would gut my room. We are talking bed out, mattress out, everything OUT! I cleaned, vacuumed, wiped down and put it all back in, in an orderly organized fashion. I was thrilled to help friends clean their rooms, houses and the like. I still have this obsession and have to remind myself to NOT clean so I can get other things done. But my cleaning has taken a backseat. Who knew 7 people could make a house so messy DAILY?!?! Not me! That's when I had to let things go.....or go insane. (maybe I did a little of both ;0)!) I've always been opinionated, but I use to not verbalize it out loud. Now I'm happy to give my opinion whenever you'd like, and maybe even when you wouldn't like it!
I use to think that kids that misbehaved were totally not getting enough discipline at home! After Buckwheat came into the world I kind of changed my mind about that one. Sometimes the parents are to blame, but quite often these little people come to earth with these.........PERSONALITIES they developed somewhere that I am quite certain I didn't have much say in! I will never forget when Buckwheat was about 18 months old I attended a movie with my parents and some other peeps in my family. Buckwheat still had a binky and was doing quite well til about 45 min into it. He got restless (he's a BOY and he's BUSY!!) so I tried to entertain, tried to let him stand by me, play with my purse, my phone (we didn't have smart phones then), and various other quiet activities in the proximity we were contained to. Well he'd had about enough of that.... he started to get louder (he still has no idea what a quiet voice is) and louder. Quietly I whispered "you have to be quiet". He looked at me, binky in mouth, and GROWLED "MMMMMOOOOOMMMMM!" "SHHHHHHHH!" I said. Wrong word. Out came the binky and I saw it fly into the crowded theater. I'm sure it smacked someone in the back of the head or they later found it in their popcorn (SORRY whoever you were!). I was mortified, now I had NO way of keeping this little man quiet or content. So I gave in..........I just let it all loose and gave in. I put him on the ground so perhaps his non quiet voice wouldn't be so loud! Guess what he found? Oh yeah! POPCORN! No, I didn't buy it, others did, you know the popcorn you step on when you find your seat. YEP! He found it, and without the bink, HE WAS GOING TO EAT IT!!! So I just let him. I felt like the worst mother ever, felt like perhaps he'd become deathly ill, but I just couldn't make him sit still and he had chucked his plug into the crowd so my son ate popcorn off of the dollar theater floor that night. That's when I knew that the old me.........yeah she was GONE! With Jo it was so easy, she let me feed her, SHE NEVER got messy (except on her 1st birthday when I took deep breaths and rocked in the corner as she ate her cake in her highchair). Seriously I was a clean Nazi! And when Peanut came around it was every man or child for themselves :) HAHA! No, but I have chilled IMMENSELY since baby number one. Peanut now frequently says to me "Really mom?!" with all the attitude of a 17 year old in a 5 year old body!
Other things that have changed.... is that I always had to look just so. My dad use to go bonkers when we'd go hunting, because I had to get up an hour early to "primp" for the hunt. He would say "Whose gonna see you?!" and honestly I have no idea who would've but it was just who I was. I still get ready, I still like to look nice, but there are some days I have been known to go to town with a beanie and my gym clothes on (something I swore I'd NEVER do!). And since we've started homeschooling I am constantly saying to the kids "please do your hair, you look like you are homeschooled!" HAHA!
Another....I use to remember things.....okay everything..... like crazy! I mean weird dates, peoples phone numbers, memorizing long lists of words and their definitions, work phone numbers of numerous contractors we dealt with, crazy things and in great detail too! I still do (I do know all my bank account numbers by heart, my SSN (duh) and my DL number too) but some days mommy brain has the best of me and if I don't write it down I may have no idea what you are talking about ;) there was one point it got pretty bad and my mom started calling me Dori like on Nemo... yeah mommy brain can be that bad sometimes LOL! (Lists and calendar apps have become my best friends)
I use to have an obsession with moose. I had a moose decor room, I had moose figurines, moose signs, moose dishes, moose sheets. Now I still like moose, I just don't feel the need to decorate with them. I use to be a rule follower, letter of the law kinda girl. Now I feel the need to go against the grain, to find whats right for me and whats right for my family. I don't like to be told what to do...never have (which is weird that I liked to follow rules, hmmm). I use to want 12 kids, then after watching my 3 little bros in my tween-teen years I determined ONE child would be magical! Glad that didn't stick ;)!
Another use to..........I use to always compare.....I wish I was more like her and could be more playful with my kids, or I wish I could relax and be laid back like her, or I wish I was as skinny as this one, or I wish I could......blah blah blah. It's taken me a few years but for the most part I don't want to be like anyone else. Don't get me wrong, there are women I love, admire and look up to, many of them and they are inspirations, but I don't need to be them. I have weaknesses and things I want to change about me, but I don't want to be someone else. I like having my body, having my strengths.....and weaknesses, because I know what to do with me and what I know what I need to work on with ME, I wouldn't have a clue what to do with her. I love the quote that says "Comparison is the thief of Joy!" Or better yet "The only person you should try to be better than is the person you were yesterday!" That's EXACTLY right. I am me, and I'm very glad I am! In a book I've been reading called Desperate hope for the mom who needs to breathe the co writer wrote something so inspiring to me, it went something like this: I need to be me, with all my strengths weaknesses, imperfections and all, my children needed this mom, they were sent to be with me for a reason and I am what they need. I just wanted to SHOUT FOR JOY! AMEN!! I agree 100%, even though I want to be a better mom a better version of me, I am what they need, I am who they need and they will be who they are partly because of me.
So, then I was a growing girl trying to figure out who I was. Doing what I knew how to do and getting better everyday. And now, I am still trying to be better everyday, but in different ways. I am sure when I am 60 and look back I will be pleasantly surprised at where I am and who I am... Just as I am sure the teenage version of me would be pleasantly surprised of who I am today. Change is necessary, change is amazing and change makes us who we are each and everyday!
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